Getting my ass covered...

Being a big guy doesn't help much when i go out shopping for clothes. I don't fit into any of the outfits I'd like to buy and I'm usually stuck with what the particular shop has in my size, take it or leave it, 9/10 its take it even if I don't like it much. I've also noticed that since very few shops carry my sizes they usually mark their prices very high because they know their potential victim won't go home without having done any shopping, at any price.

I figured out the internet would be a good place to shop for oversized clothes, since there should be plenty more big guys out there. So I tried ebay, and discovered that some good fashion houses do the large thing. My first venture was a complete disaster though, I went for 2 Paul & Shark Bretagne sweaters, one cream and one black, both size 3xl. After waiting three bloody weeks for them to get here from Germany by DHL (!), i found they perfectly fit my younger brother who wears a size M. I hate italian sizes, I think they make their clothes so small to economise on the fabric. So there I was, two splendid sweaters I couldn't wear unless i went on a Gandhi diet for two years.

I decided to play safer, and I went for German shirts next. I never bought german shirts before, but i figured that Eterna shirts should be a good quality make since the name sounded so cool - Eterna - as in Mum proof shirts. My mum is distinctly capable of ruining my shirts as she ignores washing and drying instructions completely. Her best friend is my dog, who has refined tastes and exclusively prefers to chew up high street label clothes. I got the shirts along with a small packet of Gummi Baren by Haribo. Nice touch I must say. But to my horror I had bought one of the shirts with extra long arm length. I guess it will fit a fat Buffon clone easily but alas not me.

Ok so till now i had two really small sweaters, 2 good shirts and one three musketeer shirt I'll never wear... I needed trousers now... So I thought Levi's jeans and Dockers pants were cool. Back to ebay, I made best offers for a pair of jeans and two pairs of flat front trousers. They all got accepted. I waited more than two weeks and decided to contact the seller. They informed me that it took 14 days to process the order. I own up, I contacted them after 11 days not two weeks, but what the heck ?, my ass was getting cold waiting... Finally got them, after another 3 weeks, the pants were ok, the jeans were the right size but the wrong fit...

Then it was the shoes' turn. I have always loved shoes, though I haven't been gifted with the most gracious feet ever. I am flat footed and my feet look like large cactus leaves. But at least my size is regarded as normal and that makes me happy. When everything you wear is regarded as oversize and abnormal, it feels good to order something normal once in a while. While on a day trip to Gozo I bought a pair of skechers boat shoes. I liked them immediately and they had a bargain price. So I got them. Only to have my girlfriend tell me that brown shoes didn't match my black Eterna shirt...damn... Then i bought two pairs of Nike trainers. One was a nice white trainer which gave me mega blisters after i decided it was the best to use for my 5km walk on my gym's threadmill (vain baby vain...), the other is a red leather ronaldinho 10 synthetic turf football boot, when i can't kick a ball and i hate Ronaldinho...

Please people. stop expecting fashion miracles from me, I give up...